Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
