I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
