made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
