Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
