Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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