You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
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