Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
