I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Randomize
