So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
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