you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
