i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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