Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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