My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
