You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
