he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
