We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
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