I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
this beer tastes like vomit already
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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