highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
