Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Randomize
