Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
