I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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