this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
