that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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