And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Randomize
