Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
