I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
They took my balls.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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