I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
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