Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
So squirting runs in the family.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
