My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
