your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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