you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
