i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
