Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
