Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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