I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
