Even the bartender felt bad for me
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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