So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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