either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
