you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
