I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Randomize
