Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
