It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
