This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
