I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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