Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
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