I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
