I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
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