could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
