Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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