these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
