you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
